Dating Violence

DEFINITION
Dating violence occurs in all socio-economic, educational, racial, and age groups and is defined as, any act, attempt or threat of force by an intimate partner against another. At the heart of family violence are the issues of power and control. The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors to gain power and control. Some of these behaviors include:

1. Intimidation: Smashing things, abusing pets, destroying victim’s property, displaying weapons
2. Threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to harm the victim, commit suicide, report him or her to child welfare, making him or her drop charges.
3. Isolation: Controlling what he or she does, sees, talks to, and reads.
4. Emotional abuse: Putting him or her down, calling him or her names, making him or her think he or she’s crazy, playing mind games.

BEHAVIORAL SIGNS
Someone involved in an abusive relationship might display certain behavioral signs including:

1. Inconsistent explanations: Victims may provide inconsistent explanations as to the cause of their injuries due to fear of alerting others to the severity of their situation.
2. Alcohol/drug abuse: Victims may use alcohol/drugs as a means of escape from their everyday reality of abuse.
3. Injuries in multiple stages of healing: Bruises are the most common form of injury and have stages of healing purple to green to yellow.

WHY DOES THE VICTIM STAY

1. Financial Dependence: Batterers may have forbidden their partners from getting or keeping a job or kept secret the location and balance of bank accounts.
2. Lack of social support: Batterer may have controlled victim’s contact with friends, family, and the outside world. Such isolation limits her or his ability to obtain help with an escape.
3. Fear of severe physical attack: Batterer may tell their victims that if they leave, they will be killed.
4. Self-blame: It is not uncommon for victims to believe that the abuse is a result of their real or imagined offenses.
5. Belief that the violence is temporary or caused by unusual circumstances: Often batterers place blame for abuse on external sources, alcohol, work pressures, etc and do not take responsibility for their actions.

RAPE

DEFINITION
The exact definition of ‘rape,’ ‘sexual assault’, ‘sexual abuse’ and similar terms differs by state. The wording can get confusing, since states often use the same words to describe different things. So, for a precise legal definition, you need to check the law in your state. But here are some general guidelines based on the definitions used by the U.S. Justice Department. Please note that these definitions are a bit graphic, which is inevitable when describing crimes this violent.

Rape is forced sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal or oral penetration. Penetration may be by a body part or an object. Rape victims may be forced through threats or physical means. In about 8 out of 10 rapes, no weapon is used other than physical force. Anyone may be a victim of rape, women, men or children, straight or gay.

Sexual assault is unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape or attempted rape. This includes sexual touching and fondling. (But, be aware, some states use this term interchangeably with rape.)

FURTHER EXPLANATION
In the most extreme cases, rape may involve force which may include but is not limited to:

1. Use or display of a weapon
2. Physical battering
3. Immobilization of the victim

More often however, rape involves psychological coercion and taking advantage of an individual who is under duress or incapable of making a decision on his/her own (including under the influence of alcohol, drugs and/or prescription medications.)
Rape is a crime motivated by a need to control, humiliate and harm. Perpetrators use rape as a weapon to hurt and dominate others.

COMMON REACTIONS TO RAPE INCLUDE

1. Shock
2. Numbness
3. Loss of control
4. Disorientation
5. Helplessness
6. Sense of vulnerability
7. Fear
8. Self-blame-guilt for ‘allowing’ the crime to happen
9. Feeling that these reactions are a sign of weakness

PARTNER RAPE DEFINITION
Sexual acts committed without a person’s consent and/or against a person’s will when the perpetrator is the individual’s current partner (married or not), previous partner, or co-habitator.

Three Types Of Partner Rape

1. Battering rape: The experience of both physical and sexual violence within a relationship. Some may experience physical abuse during the sexual assault. Others may experience sexual assault after a physical assault as an attempt to ‘make up.’
2. Force-only rape: Motivated by a perpetrator’s need to demonstrate power and maintain control. Therefore, he/she asserts his/her feelings of entitlement over his/her partner in the form of forced sexual contact.
3. Obsessive/Sadistic rape: Sadistic sexual assault involves torture and perverse sexual acts. Such rape is characteristically violent and often leads to physical injury.

EMOTIONAL & PHYSICAL REACTIONS
Physical

1. Injuries to the vaginal and anal areas
2. Lacerations
3. Soreness
4. Bruising
5. Torn muscles
6. Fatigue
7. Vomiting
8. Broken bones
9. Black eyes
10. Injuries caused by weapons
11. Miscarriages
12. Stillbirths
13. Contraction of STD’s, including HIV
14. NO signs of physical abuse

Emotional

1. Anxiety
2. Shock
3. Intense fear
4. Depression
5. Suicidal ideas
6. Post-traumatic stress disorder
7. Betrayal

Fundamental loss of trust
Research indicates that survivors of partner rape are more likely to be raped multiple times when compared to stranger and acquaintance rape survivors. As such, partner rape survivors are more likely to suffer severe and long lasting physical and psychological injuries.

SEXUAL ASSAULT

WHAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT?
Sexual assault is any sexual activity involving a person who does not or cannot consent. It can be many things, including:

1. Rape
2. Sexual Contact (touch/grabbing)
3. Obscene Phone Calls
4. Incest
5. Sexual Harassment
6. Sexual Exploitation of Clients by Professionals

Sexual Assault is an act of violence. This can be obvious, as in a situation which a weapon, physical force or a threat is used against the victim or someone the victim cares about. In other situations, the violence is more subtle, as when a position of authority, age, size or status is used to trick, scare, or manipulate a victim.

WHO ARE THE VICTIMS?
Anyone can be a victim of sexual assault. Victims include girls and boys, young and old, rich and poor, heterosexual and homosexuals, persons with disabilities, persons from all racial and ethnic backgrounds and persons who are homeless, in hospitals or in prisons. Sexual assaults can happen to anyone.

FEELINGS

After a sexual assault, victims may experience a wide variety of reactions including:

1. Relief-that the assault is over
2. Fear-of the offender returning, generally feeling vulnerable
3. Guilt-because of long held beliefs that victims ‘ask for’ or deserve sexual assault. NO ONE deserves to be a victim.
4. Anger-toward the offender, toward the system, toward family, friends or yourself
5. Disturbing Memories or Images-some victims report ‘flashbacks’ to parts of the sexual assault
6. Feeling Powerless or Helpless-during the assault, power and control were taken away.

Part of the recovery is restoring self-confidence; trust in relationships and in the world.
Feelings related to the sexual assault may occur immediately or months or even years later. It is not unusual for them to come and go, often connected to other stressful times or events. Triggers to memory of event may be a certain smell, even a harsh tone of voice, feel of fabric, or course whiskers. Whenever uncomfortable feelings occur, it is helpful to have a supportive person to listen. It is important to know that these feelings are a normal part of healing and recovering from a traumatic experience.

NEEDS
Just as people and circumstances differ, victim needs vary. Physical protection, medical attention, emotional support and reassurance are all common needs. Help with immediate details-whether to report, a ride to the hospital, or just needing someone to listen and be supportive.
There are different options for meeting those needs. Strength and support can often be drawn from family and friends. There are also community resources like The Sunrise Center that can help.

HOW TO HELP

1. LISTEN to the victim
2. BELIEVE the victim
3. RESPECT THE VICTIM'S CHOICES whether to report or not to report
4. AVOID JUDGING THE VICTIM'S ACTIONS remember that sexual assault is NEVER THE VICTIM'S FAULT! Even if something out of character or risky was done prior to the assault, the sexual abuse was not the victim’s responsibility.
5. COMMUNICATE with the victim

Amanda Sandberg, “My Story”

        Shortly after 7 a.m. on October 4, 1999, I, an eighth-grader, walked alone to my school bus stop on a busy street corner. A white utility van pulled up beside me and as I started to walk away- the man rushed out and kidnapped me from behind with a gun to my head and a knife to my throat. I was thrown into the van and driven onto unpaved roads leading nowhere. He stopped the van, put duct tape and a beanie over my eyes and wrapped it around my forehead in order to blind me from any sight of him or what was near me. I was then brutally raped more times than I can count by him. This man saw what house I had come out of earlier that morning and once he was done brutally raping me, he decided to take me back to my home where he broke in and hurled me onto my mother’s bed where he raped me one last time. He locked me up in my mother’s closet as he stole everything we had ever owned and put it into his van. He came back and threw me in the bathtub, told me to tell them “it was a black guy” but told me that if I peeped, just once, my family and I would be dead. He finally left me, my broken self, in the bathtub. All of this in a matter of a day. The instinct to survive and the power of my mind were the only things I could depend on from that moment on.

I was rushed to the hospital where a SANE nurse would preserve the last bit of strength I had left in body by giving me a glimpse of support.  Thankfully, with her response and gentle process, I was able to have less things to worry about in the coming years by reducing or completely reversing my risk for pregnancy, STDs, and HIV/AIDS. The things I did have to worry about were the social and emotional aspects of recovery. Freedom, innocence, security and sanity were no longer thought about. Trust was an impossible ideal. I felt scared every time someone was near me, no matter who they were. They never caught the criminal, the case was closed, and me with my needs were cut out officially of the justice system. Soon, finding the rapist became backburner to my everyday struggle to stay alive past the suicide attempts, the nightmares, the hallucinations, the anxiety attacks.

Little did I know three years later, with a ‘cold hit’ DNA match, the state of Washington would attempt to give back my lost freedom, innocence, security, and sanity. This ‘cold hit’ was found because Washington State changed its laws so that more criminals would be entered into the state DNA database.  The detective that was assigned to my case told me that the rapist had been entered into the DNA system about 1-2 years back for a different criminal charge and with a run through of backlogged DNA, they managed to find the ‘hit’ years later. He was currently serving time in the state penitentiary and after two brutal years in the courtroom, he was convicted and sentenced. For three years, I lived in and was consumed by fear that my rapist would find me and kill me. I never forgot to look over my shoulder, had an intense fear of white utility vans, and became immobilized when I saw a man with similar resemblance. All those years of fear, worry and anxiety could have been reduced if the DNA match was an instant match rather than a ‘cold hit’ match which implies unlikelihood. I could have had a ‘normal’ high school career. Regardless, ‘cold hit’ or not, if it weren’t for progressive changes in legislature, like the Debbie Smith Act, or the existence of DNA databases, I would still, to this day, have those immobilizing fears and anxieties.

            I am a survivor; courageous and resilient but nonetheless, an ordinary girl that simply has gone through an extraordinary trauma. My story, in terms of stranger rape and prosecution, is a hopeful one. The important thing to identify though is that there are many more potential, hopeful stories of survival here in America that can’t be told yet because of DNA backlog. There are criminals, sitting and fattening up on the glory of not being caught, in that DNA database while there are victims, living in absolute fear, uncertainty and worry at the same time.  This is why Congress must continue to support acts like the Debbie Smith Act, and provide funding to these programs. To do otherwise would deny rape victims the closure and justice that is so necessary in their recovery.